How to find a way? Forget the map, and take a step.
That's where I find myself now. I'm situated at an intersection of 8 forks with each direction appearing more attractive as the day passes. Usually this would stress the living shit-balls out of me. Trying to decide what path would set me up for the right destination. What journey would be "essential" to the "end goal"? Kyle - cir. Jan. 2017.
Enter Kyle, March 2017. Still a heaping walking mess of anxiety since Day 1. However, at this point, I've realized anxiety is nothing, but a mental illness. That's it. Just a debilitating mental illness that can wreak havoc on whatever life you think you've created. Pas de problème. I got this.
Through a great deal of helpful therapy, hardcore ride-or-die friends, and a wide, wide world out there to explore, I've found a path that doesn't require an end goal finally. I'm moving to the great land of baguettes, romantic cheeses, and democracy. France. France. Fuckin' France.
People keep asking me why, who, what where, when, how. "Do you have a job?" "Do you have a place to live?" "Do you know anybody there?" Non, non, non to all of it so far, and I'm totally chilled out about it. What would typically send me into a tailspin of anxiety and concern, thus leading to projected hostility on my friendships, has me at complete ease.
I reassure my audience(friends and family) that I'm not running away from anything or anyone. However, I'm running towards a dream that I've always wanted. To live on my own in a foreign place where I know not a soul.
As I'm sure one could expect, I receive a mix of reactions to that response including "Ooh so cool! You'll love it!" to "I could never do that, but you have fun." to "It's so dangerous over there. Why don't you come to stay in this fantasy land in the middle of nowhere, USA where nothing bad can happen to you?" Okay, I paraphrased a bit on the last one, but that's what people's eyes and eyebrows tell me. You'd be surprised how much emotion can be conveyed in a single eyebrow raise.
I can't be mad in the least at these various responses, but I am aware of those who want the best for me, and this how they show concern. Usually, it's a reflection of a life that they're scared to leave or one that they're cautious about embarking on. They worry about the getting lost part. Getting lost in a sea of uncertainty, miscommunications, and possible faux pas towards another culture. Well I've always cycled back to this one mindset throughout transitionary times of my life, and the best way I can sum it up is..."Fuck it".
Fuck it. Fuck the worries. Fuck the fear. Fuck the concern. Stay aware, but fuck the walls and obstacles that stand in your way. If you give too many shits about what you should be doing with your life when you're not doing it, or if you think you're never enough in whatever capacity then you're right. If you wholeheartedly believe that you don't deserve filled with the adventure of your own choosing, then you have subscribed to the consequences.
You may find happiness in other areas of your life, sure. However, you will always wonder "What if?" "If only I would have...". I know this feeling, because even at 25, a mere 4 months ago, I owned that belief. Some life changes, relationship changes, and kick-ass therapy later, I'm okay not being okay.
Long winded story short, get lost once in a while. Don't seek to find yourself in someone or something else, but lose yourself in a myriad of experiences in which you'll find a clearer sense of self. It's the journey I'm on, and it rawks. Stay cool kids.